Relationship Rules: Knowing Your Own
You know one of my “relationship rules”? Don’t have a loud FaceTime call right next to me at Starbucks. Please don’t. Especially not on speakerphone.
Has this ever happened to you?
You’re at a local coffee place, trying to get some work done. You’re at a single table, and about 28 inches away from you is another table. An empty table.
You’re working away happily, able to focus without distraction. Things are going well. Until, you guessed it, two people sit down at the table beside you.
I should say, this is a Starbucks at the mall, and technically these tables “belong” to Starbucks, which reasonably has the expectation that the tables are reserved for their patrons.
By now, you realize this is my story. I have a Grande Chai Latte with oat milk, in case you are wondering.
My new neighbors? One of them seems to have some kind of Starbucks beverage. Starbucks would be “okay” with them staying there. So far, so good.
I’m typing away happily when, in my peripheral vision, I see one of my neighbors pull out a phone.
Uh oh. Warning, warning!
Before you know it, a FaceTime call starts. With the speakerphone on … so that both of my neighbors can participate in this apparently delightful conversation. And because we’re at the mall, where it can be mall-loud, of course they have to turn up the volume to like 8 out of 10.
At this point, I’m now a participant in this conversation. Except technically I’m not.
Because the conversation is taking place in a language I don’t understand. Which also means my neighbors probably feel free to speak even more loudly, because I likely can’t understand a single word they’re saying.
There I am, trying to work, when a very loud conversation is taking place.
If this was you—remember, I asked if this has ever happened to you—what would you be feeling at this point? Are you okay with this?
Does this bother you?
Are you annoyed?
Are you perhaps looking around for the nearby wall sign that surely must exist that says, “No Loud FaceTime Calls In Public”?
I was. And in that moment, I knew this was one of my “rules.”
You know. We all have these “relationship rules” about how people in general should act.
Can you have too many rules? Yes!
What Are “Relationship Rules”?
“Relationship rules” are those unwritten, often unspoken, preferences we live by that shape how we interact with others.
They’re not laws or official etiquette, but to us, they feel like they should be. For example:
Always clean up after your dog on a walk – This feels like a no-brainer to most people.
Don’t text during a movie in the theater – Sure, your phone is silent, but the glow is distracting.
Wave when someone lets you merge in traffic – A small gesture of gratitude goes a long way.
These rules can be helpful—they keep things running smoothly and make our daily interactions a little more pleasant.
But here’s where it gets tricky: Not everyone shares the same rules. What feels like common sense to you might not even register for someone else.
For example:
Using headphones in public for calls – Seems considerate to some, but others might think, “Why does it matter?”
Never double-dipping at a party – An obvious rule for some, but others see no issue if they’re among close friends.
Why It’s Important to Know Your Own Rules
While it’s good to have some baseline rules (like picking up after your dog—no debate there), problems arise when you have too many rules or hold onto them too tightly.
If you’re not careful, you can end up living in a constant state of annoyance. Someone is always going to break one of your rules. The person who doesn’t return their shopping cart? The friend who cancels plans without offering to reschedule? If you let every broken rule irritate you, you’re going to spend a lot of time feeling frustrated—and that’s no way to live.
On the flip side, being aware of your rules can be incredibly helpful. It lets you recognize what matters most to you and helps you decide which rules are worth enforcing (or even communicating) and which ones you can let go of.
Are You Living By Too Many Rules?
Here’s a simple test:
Do you find yourself annoyed by other people every day?
Are you often surprised when someone doesn’t follow a “rule” that seems obvious to you?
Do you spend a lot of energy mentally policing others?
If the answer to any of these is “yes,” it might be time to reassess your rules. Some of them may no longer serve you, or they might not be as universally important as you think. Letting go of unnecessary rules doesn’t mean you’re giving up your values—it means you’re choosing peace over constant frustration.
A Better Way to Think About Rules
Instead of trying to enforce your rules on the world, start by:
Knowing Your Rules – Take stock of the unwritten rules you follow and ask yourself, “Why does this matter to me?”
Evaluating Their Importance – Is this a rule that keeps society functioning, like cleaning up after your dog? Or is it more about your personal preferences, like not eating smelly food in public?
Letting Go of the Rest – If a rule isn’t worth the stress it causes when someone breaks it, let it go.
It’s also helpful to remember that everyone else has their own set of rules. Being aware of this can help you navigate situations with more patience and understanding—and maybe even laugh off the small stuff.
Curious About Your Rules?
I’ve put together a free list of 50 “relationship rules” that people often live by. Some you’ll agree with, others might surprise you, and a few might even challenge your own thinking. The goal isn’t to enforce these rules—it’s to help you reflect on your own.
Download the list and see how many resonate with you. You might even find a rule or two you’re ready to let go of.
Download the Free List of 50 “Relationship Rules” Here
What’s one unwritten rule you live by? Or, what’s a rule you’ve decided to let go of? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your perspective!
By the way, my new neighbors say “hi.” At least I think they say hi. It’s in another language. But whatever they said, it was at least loud.
